Thursday, 29 November 2012
Manipulating A Man To Get Him To Commit: Is This A Good Idea? Does It Work? By Mari Deene
I sometimes hear from women who have been trying very hard to wait patiently for the commitment that they know that they deserve. Often, it has been months or even years of a happy relationship that should just naturally be moving toward a commitment. But unfortunately, they are dealing with a man who is either fearful of commitment or is dragging his feet for whatever reason. So the women will start to wonder which strategy is going to be most likely to get them the commitment they know that they really deserve.
I heard from a woman who said: "I have been dating my boyfriend for almost two years. He is at my apartment so much it is like he lives here. I think that it is time for us to get engaged. I don't need to get married right away but I need to know that he is committed to me and that a wedding is in our future so that I am not just wasting my time. Over the course of our relationship, I've become very good at getting what I want from him. I've gotten my boyfriend to do things that I want him to do by flirting or pouting or doing whatever is necessary at the time. Honestly, I can read him pretty well. The only exception to this is when it comes to a commitment. I have tried various things and nothing seems to work. Other than getting pregnant on purpose, I don't know what I can do to manipulate him. What's the best way to go about this? I hate to stoop to manipulation, but I don't feel that I have a choice."
Understand That Manipulation Comes With A Huge Amount Of Risk: I know that what I am going to say is probably the last thing that you want to hear. But quite frankly, manipulating him will often make him even more reluctant to commit to you. Men are often much smarter and perceptive than we give them credit for. They are often are quite aware of exactly what we are doing. And sometimes, they are fine with this because they don't have reservations about what you are asking them to do. For example, this woman wanted a diamond bracelet for her birthday. So she dropped some hints and acted in a certain way. Her boyfriend was probably well aware that he was manipulating him, but he didn't mind getting her the bracelet. He probably wanted for her to have it so it wasn't a big deal for him to go ahead and comply.
But a lifelong commitment is a different story. You aren't talking about money or small issues. You are talking about the rest of your life. And you are talking about a life partner, with whom you can hopefully have a mature and fulfilling relationship. Most people don't really want a spouse who they know is going to try to manipulate them for the rest of their lives. Instead, they want a mature relationship in which they can hope open conversations and enjoy a healthy give and take. Frankly, if he thinks that all he has to look forward to is your continuing to manipulate him endlessly, he will become much less likely to give in and commit to you. In fact, he may want to end the relationship all together. Is losing him really worth the risk?
The Better Strategy: Honestly, the better strategy is sitting down and having an open, loving and mature conversation. Many women are reluctant to do this because they fear that it going to be painful. They are afraid that they are going to hear that he doesn't love them enough or that he never intends to marry him. This is not usually the case. Instead, he will often tell you that he just needs more time or that there are small things about the relationship that concern him. One great thing about having a conversation like this is that if you do this correctly, you will almost have a road map as to what you need to overcome or address in order to get him to willingly commit.
And let's be honest. That's what you really want. You want for him to very willingly commit to you. Sure, you want to be engaged or married. But do you really want this if your finance is not going to be one hundred percent delighted about this? Do you really want to know that the only reason you got that commitment was because you manipulated him into it? I know this is hard to hear and that it's easy to be impatient, but this is the most important relationship of your life. You don't want to build it upon a dishonest foundation. And you want to have the confidence that he is thrilled to willingly commit to you.