So far we have covered three fears that are the underlying causes of anger: Fear of Change Fear of Rejection Fear of Being Cornered.
We're looking for Fear Number Four. Remember, the question we are answering with these last three fears is: "When would a horse stand and fight a sabre-toothed tiger."
When Cornered, was the first answer. The second one is:to protect someone in the pack who is weaker.
A horse will stand and fight a sabre-toothed tiger to give the rest of the herd time to run to safety. We are exactly the same as that herd of horses. We won't stand and fight a sabre-toothed tiger just for the fun of it-we'd be lunch! But if someone in our pack is threatened, we'll stand and fight.
I think every one of us has done this. Have you ever stood up for someone else, a child, a family member, a co-worker, in situations where, if that person had said or done the same thing to you, you would have just shrugged it off and not said anything?
Absolutely. We will all do this. So what exactly is the Fourth Fear that triggers our need to attack-our anger?
The fear would be Fear of Losing Our Pack.
We are a pack animal. We wouldn't survive in the animal kingdom alone. We needed our pack: many eyes, many ears looking for danger. So we will protect those in our pack who we consider weaker than we are.
Why would you stand up for someone else? Because you think they are weaker than you are.
The only person you should stand up for is a child who is too young to stand up to an adult him or herself. HOWEVER, give your children the tools, the freedom and the support to handle situations on their own.
I distinctly recall my daughter, in Fourth Grade, having difficulty with a teacher. We talked about it. We talked about what she needed to talk to the teacher about, and then she had a meeting with her teacher (I was there as moral support, a fly on the wall. I didn't say a word!) She handled the conversation. Her teacher was open to talking to her. And they resolved the issue.
My youngest son had difficulty with one of his bosses at a restaurant he worked at when he was 15 years old. We talked over the situation. He decided what he needed resolved. He used me as a sounding board to figure out what to say and how to say it and HE had the conversation with his boss (I didn't even get to be a fly on the wall for that one!) and he resolved the issue.
Those are just my children, as I've taught them to have those difficult conversations. Allow your family, your children, your coworkers, your staff to stand up for themselves.
If you think you are doing them a favour - YOUR NOT! You are causing more problems.
It's their relationship, not yours. They've agreed to the rules in their relationship. The proof is, that's how they do their relationship. The question you seriously need to ask yourself is "What does how they do their relationship have to do with me?" The answer is nothing. If you are looking at someone else's relationship and you're getting defensive, you really need to work on just paying attention to yourself give others' permission (in your head!) to do their relationship the way that works for them.
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